Hi my name is.....and I am food-a-hololic!

It's Sunday night again....every week seems to have those :). I am thankful for them, but also recognize or am starting to recognize the stress I attach to this day. Sunday is the day before I return to work, where everything with work is imploding due to the time of year it is for my job. It's also the night before the week is to start again, kids back in school/daycare, the juggling of work and motherhood is one that seems to be a hit and miss. With all of these "pressures" I feel my only release is food. My only sanctuary is junk. I justify my sugar and junk with "you'll stop this eating tomorrow". Only, tomorrow never comes! It truly is a food addiction. Just the words stop this tomorrow, hello! STOP it now should  be the tiny words in the my head. Where are you tiny words?
I wish I could know at what age or time did my addiction to food start. I guess a part of me feels if I could find that piece of the puzzle that I would maybe be able to solve it?
Really though, for as long as I can remember I have turned to food as my friend, my companion, my comfort. It's the one thing that I know I can always have and I can always get.
I have tried so many diets, so many things.... all for what? I even went as far as having weight loss gastric lap band surgery and NOTHING has helped. I must state that I couldn't afford to get my band filled like it should be, so I don't blame the band not working, but I do wish I never had gotten it. It was the hardest thing I have ever physically experienced. I had to starve myself for the week prior and then three weeks post. Sure I lost about 20lbs, but that is all and all that loss is back...I struggle with the occasional "getting stuck" from my band and I have cut out all my soda, but other than that you would never know that I had such a drastic surgery.
Just typing this makes me tear up! I have gone to such lengths and yet I can't SHED THIS SKIN! It's like being dressed up in a Halloween costume and not being able to take it off.
Most recently, I have turned to a mostly vegetarian lifestyle. I don't miss meat, but I have failed to find the balance in this new life style too. I cook with cheese and pastas and have to make a conscience effort to plan a no cheese no pasta meal. I love the feeling I get when I eat something healthy for me... my only problem here is that I don't stop eating... I feel like "oh it's healthy, so I can have more".
Oh the demons in my head what fun they have each and everyday.... I have a gym membership and Tuesday I met with a personal trainer who will be doing a fitness assessment on me and told me to be prepared as it will be hard or there will be parts that will be hard. Honestly, why tell a fat girl this? He shouldn't have, I have not stopped thinking about this all weekend. Hard! What! I don't do hard, I do fat! Fat doesn't like hard, it likes easy! DAMN!
I have been thinking in my head do I go? Should I reschedule? Yep, that's right those thoughts have been floating around since I scheduled it. I am scared! What exactly am I scared of though? That I will get in shape? That I will feel better about myself? That my clothes will fit? WOW. Just typing this out I realize there is nothing negative to fear. NOTING NEGATIVE TO FEAR!
When in doubt shout it out? LOL! Well, here is to Monday, a better eating day, a better work day, and a better health day!